- Socrates of Delveron- Socrates is a well-dressed dark elf who is not governed by reason. Everything he does appears to be spontaneous with no specific end goal. Socrates often lies about his name, and it is still unclear if Socrates is even his real name. Socrates is not much of a fighter, but later finds a weapon and becomes a murderer.
- Glando d'Arby- Glando is a thief sent by his guild to steal from the goblin kingdom. He initially takes delight in his journey, but quickly becomes disheartened as he realizes he is in over his head. Glando considers himself a good guy but often makes ambiguous decisions to save his skin.
- Dantern- Dantern is the littlest lantern golem, a construct of wax and glass created by Socrates upon his arrival in the dungeon. Dantern initially understands nothing about his universe, but quickly comes to see how the world really is.
- Duck- Duck is the goblin king who looms over the narrative. Glando and Socrates imagine him to be a terrible monster, and physically, he is. However, Duck reveals himself to be a decent ruler who happens to be on the wrong side of Parada's history.
- Goodwin- Goodwin is the goblin kingdom's first and only paladin. He is as brave as he can be, and wants only to protect his king and his people. Goodwin is still new at being a knight, and is filled with foolish ideals about how the world works.
The "prologue" to the story immediately follows the events of "The Past Is Prologue." The Storyteller asks Gainzo to tell a wholesome story, and Gainzo believes he has the perfect story. He clarifies that every word of the story is true.
The story begins with a thief named Glando, who while trespassing in the goblin kingdom finds an intricately carved wooden key. He is confronted by a band of goblins, and takes off. At a bridge, the paladin Goodwin stops Glando and demands he surrenders. Goodwin is rightfully suspicious of Glando, and breaks the bridge he is standing on, sending Glando into the river.
Meanwhile, the dark elf Socrates is also wandering the goblin kingdom when he jumps into a hole in the ground for no reason. He finds himself in a wet cavern, and twists a lantern on the wall until it falls to the ground and shatters. Socrates then performs his first miracle, and the lantern is reborn as Dantern the lantern golem. Socrates introduces himself to Dantern, and immediately a body falls from the ceiling.
The body is Glando, and he is alive. He introduces himself to the duo, and Socrates gives Glando a false name. He also continually refers to Glando as Gainzo, which annoys the thief. After a tense encounter, they agree to look for an escape together. The party ventures down a long tunnel. In the next room, the adventurers find a miniature vortex swirling in the middle of a circular room. They are confused, as the wind does not seem to be a trap. Glando confidently empties his bag, and throws it into the vortex. The wind curses at him, and Glando apologizes, having not realized the vortex was sentient. The adventurers greet the wind, who rudely dismisses them. Then Socrates decides the wind must die, and throws Dantern into the vortex. Dantern is shattered against the ceiling.
Socrates is enraged, and attacks the wind, drawing Glando into the fight. As Glando rams himself into the vortex, it gradually decreases in size. Meanwhile, Socrates performs another miracle, and revives Dantern. Eventually the vortex is small enough in size, and Socrates crushes it under his boot. He then finds a small treasure chest where the wind was. Socrates takes the chest and brags to his friends, but the chest bites his fingers, revealing itself as the wind's true form. Socrates bags the treasure chest and names the beast Asshat, to the creature's dismay. The party then decides to split up and explore the two side paths before continuing further.
Socrates and Dantern take one tunnel, and end up in an underground farm. The farmer Zyt greets them, and after decided they seem trustworthy, offers them fruit. Socrates is offended, and instead demands Zyt give him a sickle. Zyt agrees, and brings Socrates an elegant gilded sickle. As soon as he hands it over, Socrates uses the sickle to kill Zyt. Dantern remarks gravely on the person Socrates has become, and the two return to the main room.
Meanwhile, Glando took the other tunnel and ended up in a library. After stealing a few books, he finds a treasure chest in the back of the room and tries to open it with his wooden key. When the key does not fit, Glando despairs and starts banging on the chest. This attracts the attention of a goblin librarian, who offers to show Glando the contents of the chest. Inside are jars of Vorgian Fire, a volatile substance that burns uncontrollably once it is lit. The librarian explains that the goblin king ordered the Fire made when King Herald crushed the goblins in battle. It was their intent to set fire to Parada, but ultimately the king decided to bide his time and work toward peace. The librarian insists that Glando carry the Vorgian fire with him. The goblin then briefly explains to Glando the history of the prophet Egen, Goodwin, and Gainzo. Glando is shocked when Gainzo is mentioned, and explains that a companion of his always says that name. The librarian advises him to leave the ruins quickly and part with his companion. Glando returns to the party.
Together again, the party proceeds down the main path. In the next room, the group trips a wire and finds themselves in an ambush. A troop of goblins emerge from smaller doors led by Goodwin. The paladin arrests the group, urging them to surrender peacefully, or otherwise die. Glando and Socrates agree to go peacefully, until Asshat calls for help from within Socrates' pouch. Goodwin remembers that they must first release Asshat, which enrages Socrates. He insists that they will not take the treasure from him, and begins another bloody battle.
The goblins are numerous, but are unequipped to fight the adventurers. The fight is a one-sided massacre. When Goodwin realizes he has lost, he calls in two pyros. The armored goblins bear tanks containing Vorgian fire and are a last resort to kill the intruders. Glando recognizes the danger and quickly takes out the pyros. As Goodwin despairs, Socrates tries to kill the paladin but cannot pierce his armor. Glando urges Socrates to forget Goodwin and move on.
The group then proceeds to the throne room. Glando wants to be sneaky, and takes Dantern and Asshat with him before sneaking around in the shadows. Socrates, however, strides boldly into the room. He is met by the goblin king, who introduces himself as Duck and is initially friendly to Socrates. The dark elf tries to slyly give up his friend's position by staring into the shadows, worrying the king. Glando is forced to cover by throwing Dantern and Asshat into the light, before sneaking behind the throne.
Behind the throne, Glando discovers a locked door and wonders if his key will unlock it. The key fit, and Glando is elated that he can finally have an adventure worth caring about. However, before he can open the door, he hears someone else behind the throne, and is faced with a mysterious figure who warns him not to blow his cover.
Socrates, knowing Glando is behind the throne, announces that he will check behind the throne for intruders. As he arrives at the scene, he loudly announces that there is an assassin hiding in the dark. He claims the assassin is Gainzo, and plunges his sickle into the stranger's heart.
The stranger actually is Gainzo, and the Clown attacks Socrates. Duck and Glando both join the spontaneous fight, and help Socrates kill the Clown. Duck begins to thank the adventurers, but is immediately attacked by Socrates. Duck begins battling both adventurers.
Socrates performs another miracle, and revives Gainzo's corpse as a flesh golem. As Duck attacks Glando, zombie Gainzo attacks the king from behind, giving Glando an opening to blind Duck through one eye. Duck throws Gainzo against a wall. Socrates rushes to Glando, but rather than helping him, Socrates tries to kill the thief. He slashes at Glando, but Glando blocks with his bag, destroying the jar and coating both adventurers in Vorgian fire.
As Duck wins his fight against Gainzo, he once more turns to Glando, who is too injured to fight or run. Socrates creates a new golem using the blood and oil that coats the ground, but the new golem is tiny. Nevertheless, he sends it against Duck, and the golem distracts the king. Dantern tries to help the injured Glando, but Glando sends him away, as his flame is too close to the Fire. Socrates is attacked by Asshat, whom he had forgotten about, and he snaps the treasure chest in half.
Finally, the blood golem forces its way into Duck's mouth and down his throat. Duck croaks out his final words before suffocating and falling to the ground, his crown tumbling away. Socrates then turns to Glando, preparing to kill the thief. Glando urges Dantern to act, referring to the Vorgian fire, but Dantern has already made a choice. The lantern golem gives a final speech, before rushing at Glando and Socrates and shattering himself against them. All three adventurers ignite, and die in the flames.
In the story's epilogue, the Storyteller argues that the story was not wholesome at all, but rather gruesome and contrived. He objects to Gainzo inserting himself into the story and then killing himself off, and asks the Clown to stick to the truth. Gainzo insists that the heart of the story is what's important, and that their tale may be relevant again. The Storyteller agrees, and asks to hear another story.
- Goodwin is the only named character to survive this campaign